Internal Strife

I constantly battle with the blood sucking, life draining, violently fierce, deeply agonizing  and ruthless emotions that reside within my being. I simultaneously wrestle with the  all consuming, tormenting thoughts that relentlessly brew in every corner of my mind. They are slowly devouring me from the inside out. 

Communication Tips

A perfectly precise expression of me

An Unfortunate Truth

I truly hate to post this because it's awful to have to admit such things about yourself... But I do believe everyone deserves fair warning

What goes up...must come down!

This will be a short entry. I have been awake since 3:30 this morning and spent almost the entire day in a state of mania. I got a lot accomplished, but unfortunately....the crash is upon me. I am exhausted and quite depressed. I feel so alone. I think the tears are coming next. Yup, here they are...I gotta go, can't see the screen anymore.

I believe you

This really is so true!!! Try to keep this in mind when communicating and caring for your loved ones please!

More tips on loving a borderline

Here are some more tips for loving a borderline...I think I'm wanting you to see the importance of validation and the explanations of helpful validation listed in these articles.

Falling in love with a person with Borderline
Personality Disorder (BPD) is an emotional
roller coaster ride. The relationship involves
never-ending emotional blackmails, hurtful
criticisms, threats, manipulations, verbal
attacks and silent treatments. Borderlines are
known to call you at work more than 20 times in
a day. Borderlines need constant reassurance.
Borderlines feel the need to check up on you all
the time. Borderlines also wake you up in the
middle of the night because of their concerns.
How can you continue to love a person who will
give you the responsibility for anything and
everything bad that happens to them? You are
accused as the source of all their pains,
heartbreaks, anger, frustrations and
hardships? The Borderline will emotionally wear
you out by their insults and accusations.
Borderlines have a problem with regulating
their emotions. They feel real pain and fear of
abandonment.
No matter how much a trusted friend will tell
you to leave the relationship, you just can't do
it. At least for the time being, you want to
stay and give it another try.
A person with Borderline Personality Disorder
(BPD) is mentally ill. This is one of the reasons
you hesitate to leave your loved one. You want
to separate the disorder from the person. You
believe that there is no other person in this
world who can help your BPD loved one except
you.
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand to cure
the disorder instantly. However, there are
techniques that can help you survive the
relationship.
1. Self-esteem Self-Check
You cannot survive a relationship with a
Borderline if your self-esteem is shattered.
You need to learn to take care of yourself. Your
Borderline loved one is incapable of taking care
of you. You have to believe that you can commit
to your partner's treatment and recovery.
2. The Four (4) Don'ts
There are four things you should not do or say
to your Borderline partner. The first is don't
defend yourself. The second is don't explain.
The third is don't justify. The fourth is don't
counter attack. The Borderline loved one may
misconstrue the above-mentioned statements
and actions. The Borderline thinks you are
disagreeing with their reality. The Borderline
feels that you are literally screaming at them
that they are wrong, bad and stupid. They
become defensive and will start to confront
you.
3. Practice SET Communication Method
(Support, Empathy, Truth)
Erin Johnston, LCSW in About.com explains why
SET is effective to handle the Borderline loved
one. In SET strategy, S stands for Support. It
is very important to give a support statement
to reassure a Borderline that you have a desire
to help. The E stands for Empathy . It involves
making your Borderline partner feel that you
understand their feelings. The T stands for
truth. This technique entails re-stating
reality after the emotional outbursts are
diffused.
4. Understand Validation and How, When to
Apply It
You can validate the feelings of a Borderline by
accepting their right to their feelings. Though
you do not necessarily agree with them,
acknowledging their feelings will help you
identify their current feelings. These emotions
circulate as feelings of being sad, frustrated,
unheard, misunderstood, lonely, depressed. By
validating, you can help them label their
feelings and be there for them. The goal of
validation is to calm your Borderline loved one.
Otherwise, a trivial issue may instead escalate
to anger and rage.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes, your Borderline loved one becomes
very emotionally deregulated. They become
very agitated and angry. If initial attempts to
do the 4 steps above do not work, protect
yourself from damaging criticisms and verbal
abuse. Let your Borderline loved one know that
their message is important but you need to set
another time to discuss the issue. Boundaries
provide structure to the relationship and
prevent abuse.
Conclusion
All the best advices in the world will not stop a
person from falling in love with a Borderline.
After all, Borderlines are human beings with
the right to love and be loved. Their mental
health issues are very difficult to understand
for people without proper training and tools. In
fact, many children and spouses of Borderlines
are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress
Syndrome (PSTD). Many lives have been
devastated by this disorder.
However, for those who made a choice to be
with a Borderline, there are 5 important ways
to handle your BPD loved one. First is the
commitment to continually check your self-
esteem and emotional health. Secondly, clarify
and remember statements that do not work
with Borderlines. Thirdly, learn appropriate
communication tools that will express support,
empathy and reality. Fourthly, understand the
secrets of implementing validation techniques.
Fifth, put boundaries critical to both your
emotional health and your Borderline loved
one's health.
If you have decided to remain in the
relationship with a Borderline, you must be
prepared to protect yourself first. Otherwise,
each minute unarmed will slowly make you lose
the battle. Then, you are useless to help them.
Sources:
Erin Johnston, " Support, Empathy, Truth SET
for Borderline Personality Disorder",
About.Com
"What is Validation?", Validation Training
Institute, VFvalidation.org
BPDfamily.org

Jac <3Happy with Hope <3

An unusually hard list to come by

A piece I wrote about reality

Reality is different to every single person in this world to some degree, more so for some than others. Think… a blind person a deaf person a dementia patient, a schizophrenic…all have different perceptions they filter the outside world around them with that then become their reality. However, can you deny that, for that person, it is what is true, real, and a surety to them, thus becoming reality? Please…don’t condemn or judge a person for their reality being different from yours
And it’s definitely unnecessary, almost inhumane to rip a person’s reality away from them. To harshly and hostilely negate someone’s reality is to tell the.m that the things that they are sure of in life are incorrect. It is futile, unproductive and somewhat cruel to do so. Don’t get me wrong…I am not saying one should feed into a person’s reality that may be harmful or self-destructive,
but simply that it is ok to validate a reality different than your own, when doing so will cause no damage.
When a person is living in a reality that is detrimental to them, then intervene gently, softly, and lovingly. No need to be accusatory and critical. All you can do at that point is show them the consequences they will have to suffer and ultimately accept as their new reality if they continue to live in the reality they are currently dwelling in that will inevitably lead them towards a likely miserable future reality. It is then up to them to choose to either keep living in that reality or to receive help in adapting to a new reality that will hopefully lead them to contentment.

An Open Letter From those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder

                         I found this letter online last night. I think conveys a lot of things I want to help people in my life to understand:                                                                                                                                                         Open Letter From those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder:


Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder,
 



You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. It's not your fault. You are not the cause of our suffering. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. But it's not your fault. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready.
 



It is possible that something that you said or did "triggered" us. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, that's not always possible, and it's not always clear why something sets off a trigger. 



The mind is very complex. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didn't feel safe, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat -- a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.)





But please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior, we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation. 
 



This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we don't have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways.


We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience "burn out" from worrying about us and the repeated behavior.  
 



Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better. 
 



These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving. 
 

One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of being abandoned, and we therefore (often unconsciously) sometimes behave in extreme, frantic ways to avoid this from happening. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic.
 



Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them - deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. We may avoid you, not answer calls, and decline invitations to be around you -- and other times, all we want to do is be around you.



This is called splitting, and it's part of the disorder. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. We're not saying it's "right." We can work through this destructive pattern and learn how to be healthier in the context of relationships. It just doesn't come naturally to us. It will take time and a lot of effort.
 



It's difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you don't have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you.  
 



In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are.  You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group - dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? It's as if we haven't outgrown that.  

Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how we've gotten our nickname of "chameleons." Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It's that extreme.
 



For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. We haven't outgrown this.

Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. We can't imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. Again - this is NOT your fault.  
 



The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that "this too shall pass" and practice DBT skills - especially self-soothing - things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness.  It's smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on.
 



On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. It's important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This is just another manifestation of BPD. 



We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims. 





Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we do not become out of control.  We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstances...and we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you.





Another thing you may have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces. This is called dissociation. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better.



But, what about you?





If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too.  Here are some ideas:

• Remind yourself that the person's behavior isn't your fault
• Tap into your compassion for the person's suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering
• Do things to take care of YOU. On the resources page of this blog, there is a wealth of information on books, workbooks, CDs, movies, etc. for you to understand this disorder and take care of yourself. Be sure to check it out!
• In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath -- whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted.
• Ask questions. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD.
• Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident

Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless.  This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have.

This is my second year in DBT. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed.  

My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved one's condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. 

I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. Hope can be returned. A normal life can be had. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you don't give up.  I wish you peace.

Thank you for reading.
More Soon.

Please Readers

Readers,
Please leave comments on any posts of your thoughts. Your comments make me feel a little less lonely.

Recap on Recent Events

I'm going to just give a little summary of life since the last blog. My moods have actually been somewhat stable... manageable anyhow. I got back on the lithium and it's working miracles for me. I have to take a few extra meds to counteract some of the side effects, but it's totally worth it. However... I have recently been having weird side effects that I have not had before, so I did some research about my symptoms and what they could mean and all signs point towards me having hypothyroidism. It can commonly be brought on by, surprise, lithium. I am in the process of trying to get a hold of my doctor so we can get some blood work done, but so far no luck in even being able to talk to him, which is really frustrating because some of the symptoms are really interfering with my daily life. Also I have bronchitis and so it is draining me physically as well.

(Most recent example of my inability to follow through):The other thing that I need to update you on is that I went back to school... for a minute. I got all enrolled and registered for just one class to ease my way in. I only made it through two classes before I dropped it. The first day was so extremely hard, I had imagined I would be uncomfortable and anxious, but I was a wreck inside... later I realized I had forgotten to take my meds that morning so I was able to convince myself the next class would be easier if I took my meds before. Anyway, when I got home from the first class, I cried for hours, I was so upset and really wanted a hug, desperately I reached out to the only person at home.... my dad. I haven't gone into to much detail about my dad, but just know he would be the VERY LAST person I would choose to seek comfort from. But I was desperately upset, I asked him for a hug. He didn't deny my the hug, but it came with negative verbal consequences. I was crying harder than before by the time I got back to my room. I did go to the second class and with my meds in me and I sat through the entire class, even met a couple people, but I was mentally arguing with myself the whole time about leaving and staying. I must say I am proud that I stayed the entire class period. Unfortunately by the time the next class came up I had decided I am not ready for it yet. I dropped it but am planning to go back and start with the same class next semester, with special accommodations that my doctor is going to help me set up.

Last week was also my birthday. I turned 27 years old. It has now been 10 years since I received my first diagnosis as a Borderline. At the time, I was not told, my parents hid it from me, mostly because they didn't believe it was true based on the fact that they really knew nothing about what BPD is. Anyway, this month is also a one year anniversary of my last hospitalization. That's the most time I've gone without a hospital stay since I first went as a teen ten years ago. I see this milestone as something to be proud and hopefully it serves as an indicator of future years with more progress.

The other thing that's really on my mind is very important. It's about my daughter. I think I want to make a separate post about it though so I can go into more detail and this post is already getting lengthy.

I totally feel like this at times!!!!