I am currently flooded with intense, soul consuming emotions coming from all directions in my life. I wanted to write this blog specifically regarding my urges to self sabotage yesterday and the results of today. I'll try to stay focused on that subject even though there is so much more going on in my life.
As a borderline, I tend to push and pull people to and from me, especially when I start to feel emotions towards them including happiness. "I hate you, don't leave me" is a phrase often referenced to this behavior. I often times become so extreme when pushing people away that I go to far and they don't come back...can't really blame them. I guess the reason I do this is partly because I don't feel like I deserve happiness, But the main reason is my extreme fear of rejection or abandonment...whether its real or imagined, which it's usually been imagined and I end up destroying friendships and relationships that could have continued happily.
Yesterday, I was sensing myself planning and leaning towards sabotaging a new relationship I have recently been involved in. I struggled all day with the thought of pushing him away. I had this deep dark fear that I was going to be hurt and abandoned. However no actual evidence pointed to that and I logically thought through it several times and decided I needed to control my urges, and eventually sent myself to bed early...I was proud of myself for not giving into my natural instinct to protect by pushing away.
Wouldn't that be a happy end to the entry, well sorry, that's not how it ended. This morning, shit hit the fan. I don't want to go into details, but I'll just say, here I am feeling rejected, abandoned, alone and worthless. I am honestly quite angry I didn't follow my instinct to sabotage when I had the chance...hurt them before they can hurt me...that's the goal right??? It is in the mind of someone who can barely survive the normal emotional ups and downs in a day.... I dunno, I'm hurt. That's all for now.
