Learning to love and accept

I'm always going to be sick and different at least to some degree, I'm realizing this. I'm accepting this. But I'm also learning... It's okay for me to love myself anyway and it's okay to accept love from others around me.

To Sabotage or Not To Sabotage, That is the Question!

I am currently flooded with intense, soul consuming emotions coming from all directions in my life. I wanted to write this blog specifically regarding my urges to self sabotage yesterday and the results of today. I'll try to stay focused on that subject even though there is so much more going on in my life.

As a borderline, I tend to push and pull people to and from me, especially when I start to feel emotions towards them including happiness. "I hate you, don't leave me" is a phrase often referenced to this behavior. I often times become so extreme when pushing people away that I go to far and they don't come back...can't really blame them. I guess the reason I do this is partly because I don't feel like I deserve happiness, But the main reason is my extreme fear of rejection or abandonment...whether its real or imagined, which it's usually been imagined and I end up destroying friendships and relationships that could have continued happily.

Yesterday, I was sensing myself planning and leaning towards sabotaging a new relationship I have recently been involved in. I struggled all day with the thought of pushing him away. I had this deep dark fear that I was going to be hurt and abandoned. However no actual evidence pointed to that and I logically thought through it several times and decided I needed to control my urges, and eventually sent myself to bed early...I was proud of myself for not giving into my natural instinct to protect by pushing away.

Wouldn't that be a happy end to the entry, well sorry, that's not how it ended. This morning, shit hit the fan. I don't want to go into details, but I'll just say, here I am feeling rejected, abandoned, alone and worthless. I am honestly quite angry I didn't follow my instinct to sabotage when I had the chance...hurt them before they can hurt me...that's the goal right??? It is in  the mind of someone who can barely survive the normal emotional ups and downs in a day.... I dunno, I'm hurt. That's all for now.

Oops, sorry

My mind

Sad/Happy

Self Aware

My Crazy Hurts

I made this ecard today, this is a phrase I use frequently to describe how I'm feeling when I'm completely lost in craziness and it's so overwhelming that it hurts.

Chasing Zzzzz's

Can't seem to sleep tonight. I'm tired but restless. My mind is torturing me tonight. I missed a medication last night and I think it has caught up with me. I'm trapped by my ruthless intrusive thoughts that seem to never stop to even take a breathe. I know this is graphic but sometimes my thoughts drive me to the point of wanting to put an ice pick to my ear then take a hammer and pound it into my brain to get the voices and thoughts to stop. DON'T WORRY, I'm not seriously going to try that. My therapist talked to me about how I don't remember anything in my life really and how nothing really seems "real" as if everything I think back on is as if it were a movie...she said that's normal for a borderline. I detach from reality because when I am in reality I feel so intensely I can't handle it...it totally made sense to me. When I feel in the moment, I get completely overwhelmed and flooded with feelings that I don't know what to do with. Its so upsetting...I feel ridiculous. I don't want to talk about it. I'm done for now.

Silence???

This is so funny, because it's so true!!!

I badly need to live by these

Dammit

I fucking hate myself so bad, I'm so all over the place, up and down and left and right... But always lost

How I feel most the time

Important Key

I'm about to fall asleep for the night. But I want to let you all know that tomorrow i will write a blog releasing one of the most important keys I have been using to help better myself in many ways. It will be a blog explaining how I got involved in NA and how it has helped. Look for it tomorrow.

Travel Success

This last weekend I flew to Las Vegas and met my brother there for a little getaway. I have to admit, I was a bit nervous because this was my first flight by myself since my illness has sort of taken over. I took a trip to Texas about a month ago, but did not fly alone, my mother was with me. So I flew to Vegas alone, I had lay a ways and had to find my connecting flights in airports I was unfamiliar with. Part of the reason I was so nervous is that when I flew last month with my mom, I dissociated on the plane. Nothing bad happened, but my mom was there. I was afraid that I might dissociate flying to Vegas, and being by myself, who knows what would happen. There were quite a few stressful situations during the travel adventure, but I didn't dissociate once and I didn't have to take any meds either. I have started to notice that MOST of the time, not all the time, but most the time, if I am by myself in a stressful situation I keep it together and get done what needs to be done. It's like a subconscious part of my brain knows it can't breakdown or dissociate in certain situations. Which actually frustrates me to an extent because it bothers me that I can't just hold it together all of the time, you know what I mean? I dunno, don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of situations where I haven't held it together when I really needed to. Is there a method to the madness that is me? Who knows. But I wanted to share my success trip, it gave me hope in my ability to be more independent.

Into a borderline mind

Change

Unfortunately, this statement is completely accurate!!!

Signs and symptoms of bpd

Update

Oh my, it's been quite sometime since I've added an entry. I'm so sorry about that. I have been in the midst of an extremely stressful court thing that has limited my ability to write and express my self openly. I am still dealing with the whole charade, but I just wanted to check in and say I'm doing surprisingly well, especially considering everything that's been going on in life right now. I do still have my days of course, but I seem to be reacting to my instinctual emotions with more thought processing and incorporation of the logic mind and sometimes I even reach wise mind!!!! Thanks for all your support. More to come later.