Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
An Unfortunate Truth
I truly hate to post this because it's awful to have to admit such things about yourself... But I do believe everyone deserves fair warning
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
What goes up...must come down!
This will be a short entry. I have been awake since 3:30 this morning and spent almost the entire day in a state of mania. I got a lot accomplished, but unfortunately....the crash is upon me. I am exhausted and quite depressed. I feel so alone. I think the tears are coming next. Yup, here they are...I gotta go, can't see the screen anymore.
I believe you
Monday, July 7, 2014
More tips on loving a borderline
Here are some more tips for loving a borderline...I think I'm wanting you to see the importance of validation and the explanations of helpful validation listed in these articles.
Falling in love with a person with Borderline
Personality Disorder (BPD) is an emotional
roller coaster ride. The relationship involves
never-ending emotional blackmails, hurtful
criticisms, threats, manipulations, verbal
attacks and silent treatments. Borderlines are
known to call you at work more than 20 times in
a day. Borderlines need constant reassurance.
Borderlines feel the need to check up on you all
the time. Borderlines also wake you up in the
middle of the night because of their concerns.
How can you continue to love a person who will
give you the responsibility for anything and
everything bad that happens to them? You are
accused as the source of all their pains,
heartbreaks, anger, frustrations and
hardships? The Borderline will emotionally wear
you out by their insults and accusations.
Borderlines have a problem with regulating
their emotions. They feel real pain and fear of
abandonment.
No matter how much a trusted friend will tell
you to leave the relationship, you just can't do
it. At least for the time being, you want to
stay and give it another try.
A person with Borderline Personality Disorder
(BPD) is mentally ill. This is one of the reasons
you hesitate to leave your loved one. You want
to separate the disorder from the person. You
believe that there is no other person in this
world who can help your BPD loved one except
you.
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand to cure
the disorder instantly. However, there are
techniques that can help you survive the
relationship.
1. Self-esteem Self-Check
You cannot survive a relationship with a
Borderline if your self-esteem is shattered.
You need to learn to take care of yourself. Your
Borderline loved one is incapable of taking care
of you. You have to believe that you can commit
to your partner's treatment and recovery.
2. The Four (4) Don'ts
There are four things you should not do or say
to your Borderline partner. The first is don't
defend yourself. The second is don't explain.
The third is don't justify. The fourth is don't
counter attack. The Borderline loved one may
misconstrue the above-mentioned statements
and actions. The Borderline thinks you are
disagreeing with their reality. The Borderline
feels that you are literally screaming at them
that they are wrong, bad and stupid. They
become defensive and will start to confront
you.
3. Practice SET Communication Method
(Support, Empathy, Truth)
Erin Johnston, LCSW in About.com explains why
SET is effective to handle the Borderline loved
one. In SET strategy, S stands for Support. It
is very important to give a support statement
to reassure a Borderline that you have a desire
to help. The E stands for Empathy . It involves
making your Borderline partner feel that you
understand their feelings. The T stands for
truth. This technique entails re-stating
reality after the emotional outbursts are
diffused.
4. Understand Validation and How, When to
Apply It
You can validate the feelings of a Borderline by
accepting their right to their feelings. Though
you do not necessarily agree with them,
acknowledging their feelings will help you
identify their current feelings. These emotions
circulate as feelings of being sad, frustrated,
unheard, misunderstood, lonely, depressed. By
validating, you can help them label their
feelings and be there for them. The goal of
validation is to calm your Borderline loved one.
Otherwise, a trivial issue may instead escalate
to anger and rage.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes, your Borderline loved one becomes
very emotionally deregulated. They become
very agitated and angry. If initial attempts to
do the 4 steps above do not work, protect
yourself from damaging criticisms and verbal
abuse. Let your Borderline loved one know that
their message is important but you need to set
another time to discuss the issue. Boundaries
provide structure to the relationship and
prevent abuse.
Conclusion
All the best advices in the world will not stop a
person from falling in love with a Borderline.
After all, Borderlines are human beings with
the right to love and be loved. Their mental
health issues are very difficult to understand
for people without proper training and tools. In
fact, many children and spouses of Borderlines
are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress
Syndrome (PSTD). Many lives have been
devastated by this disorder.
However, for those who made a choice to be
with a Borderline, there are 5 important ways
to handle your BPD loved one. First is the
commitment to continually check your self-
esteem and emotional health. Secondly, clarify
and remember statements that do not work
with Borderlines. Thirdly, learn appropriate
communication tools that will express support,
empathy and reality. Fourthly, understand the
secrets of implementing validation techniques.
Fifth, put boundaries critical to both your
emotional health and your Borderline loved
one's health.
If you have decided to remain in the
relationship with a Borderline, you must be
prepared to protect yourself first. Otherwise,
each minute unarmed will slowly make you lose
the battle. Then, you are useless to help them.
Sources:
Erin Johnston, " Support, Empathy, Truth SET
for Borderline Personality Disorder",
About.Com
"What is Validation?", Validation Training
Institute, VFvalidation.org
BPDfamily.org
Personality Disorder (BPD) is an emotional
roller coaster ride. The relationship involves
never-ending emotional blackmails, hurtful
criticisms, threats, manipulations, verbal
attacks and silent treatments. Borderlines are
known to call you at work more than 20 times in
a day. Borderlines need constant reassurance.
Borderlines feel the need to check up on you all
the time. Borderlines also wake you up in the
middle of the night because of their concerns.
How can you continue to love a person who will
give you the responsibility for anything and
everything bad that happens to them? You are
accused as the source of all their pains,
heartbreaks, anger, frustrations and
hardships? The Borderline will emotionally wear
you out by their insults and accusations.
Borderlines have a problem with regulating
their emotions. They feel real pain and fear of
abandonment.
No matter how much a trusted friend will tell
you to leave the relationship, you just can't do
it. At least for the time being, you want to
stay and give it another try.
A person with Borderline Personality Disorder
(BPD) is mentally ill. This is one of the reasons
you hesitate to leave your loved one. You want
to separate the disorder from the person. You
believe that there is no other person in this
world who can help your BPD loved one except
you.
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand to cure
the disorder instantly. However, there are
techniques that can help you survive the
relationship.
1. Self-esteem Self-Check
You cannot survive a relationship with a
Borderline if your self-esteem is shattered.
You need to learn to take care of yourself. Your
Borderline loved one is incapable of taking care
of you. You have to believe that you can commit
to your partner's treatment and recovery.
2. The Four (4) Don'ts
There are four things you should not do or say
to your Borderline partner. The first is don't
defend yourself. The second is don't explain.
The third is don't justify. The fourth is don't
counter attack. The Borderline loved one may
misconstrue the above-mentioned statements
and actions. The Borderline thinks you are
disagreeing with their reality. The Borderline
feels that you are literally screaming at them
that they are wrong, bad and stupid. They
become defensive and will start to confront
you.
3. Practice SET Communication Method
(Support, Empathy, Truth)
Erin Johnston, LCSW in About.com explains why
SET is effective to handle the Borderline loved
one. In SET strategy, S stands for Support. It
is very important to give a support statement
to reassure a Borderline that you have a desire
to help. The E stands for Empathy . It involves
making your Borderline partner feel that you
understand their feelings. The T stands for
truth. This technique entails re-stating
reality after the emotional outbursts are
diffused.
4. Understand Validation and How, When to
Apply It
You can validate the feelings of a Borderline by
accepting their right to their feelings. Though
you do not necessarily agree with them,
acknowledging their feelings will help you
identify their current feelings. These emotions
circulate as feelings of being sad, frustrated,
unheard, misunderstood, lonely, depressed. By
validating, you can help them label their
feelings and be there for them. The goal of
validation is to calm your Borderline loved one.
Otherwise, a trivial issue may instead escalate
to anger and rage.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes, your Borderline loved one becomes
very emotionally deregulated. They become
very agitated and angry. If initial attempts to
do the 4 steps above do not work, protect
yourself from damaging criticisms and verbal
abuse. Let your Borderline loved one know that
their message is important but you need to set
another time to discuss the issue. Boundaries
provide structure to the relationship and
prevent abuse.
Conclusion
All the best advices in the world will not stop a
person from falling in love with a Borderline.
After all, Borderlines are human beings with
the right to love and be loved. Their mental
health issues are very difficult to understand
for people without proper training and tools. In
fact, many children and spouses of Borderlines
are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress
Syndrome (PSTD). Many lives have been
devastated by this disorder.
However, for those who made a choice to be
with a Borderline, there are 5 important ways
to handle your BPD loved one. First is the
commitment to continually check your self-
esteem and emotional health. Secondly, clarify
and remember statements that do not work
with Borderlines. Thirdly, learn appropriate
communication tools that will express support,
empathy and reality. Fourthly, understand the
secrets of implementing validation techniques.
Fifth, put boundaries critical to both your
emotional health and your Borderline loved
one's health.
If you have decided to remain in the
relationship with a Borderline, you must be
prepared to protect yourself first. Otherwise,
each minute unarmed will slowly make you lose
the battle. Then, you are useless to help them.
Sources:
Erin Johnston, " Support, Empathy, Truth SET
for Borderline Personality Disorder",
About.Com
"What is Validation?", Validation Training
Institute, VFvalidation.org
BPDfamily.org
Jac <3Happy with Hope <3
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