In Learning to Love Myself

Introduction

I have recently returned home from yet another visit to the hospital! Something different happened this time. I opened myself up to absorb anything that could possibly have any sort of positive effect on me. I had an amazing experience. It wasn't about the
facility, the workers, food, classes, lectures...none of that. It was about me. Me opening up to the possibility of even just looking at and considering a new and completely made over way of living, cuz Hunny.... this way isn't working anymore! With this blog I hope to achieve but one thing. However, it is one of the biggest feats any human can achieve in my opinion, and that is to truly love and accept myself as who I am now. I decided I needed something to do for myself and I have always loved writing to express myself, and keeping a journal of sorts has been therapeutic for me in the past, so i thought I would try a blog to motivate me to start writing again, even if it is just for me. Please join me on my journey...

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Learning to love and accept

I'm always going to be sick and different at least to some degree, I'm realizing this. I'm accepting this. But I'm also learning... It's okay for me to love myself anyway and it's okay to accept love from others around me.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

To Sabotage or Not To Sabotage, That is the Question!

I am currently flooded with intense, soul consuming emotions coming from all directions in my life. I wanted to write this blog specifically regarding my urges to self sabotage yesterday and the results of today. I'll try to stay focused on that subject even though there is so much more going on in my life.

As a borderline, I tend to push and pull people to and from me, especially when I start to feel emotions towards them including happiness. "I hate you, don't leave me" is a phrase often referenced to this behavior. I often times become so extreme when pushing people away that I go to far and they don't come back...can't really blame them. I guess the reason I do this is partly because I don't feel like I deserve happiness, But the main reason is my extreme fear of rejection or abandonment...whether its real or imagined, which it's usually been imagined and I end up destroying friendships and relationships that could have continued happily.

Yesterday, I was sensing myself planning and leaning towards sabotaging a new relationship I have recently been involved in. I struggled all day with the thought of pushing him away. I had this deep dark fear that I was going to be hurt and abandoned. However no actual evidence pointed to that and I logically thought through it several times and decided I needed to control my urges, and eventually sent myself to bed early...I was proud of myself for not giving into my natural instinct to protect by pushing away.

Wouldn't that be a happy end to the entry, well sorry, that's not how it ended. This morning, shit hit the fan. I don't want to go into details, but I'll just say, here I am feeling rejected, abandoned, alone and worthless. I am honestly quite angry I didn't follow my instinct to sabotage when I had the chance...hurt them before they can hurt me...that's the goal right??? It is in the mind of someone who can barely survive the normal emotional ups and downs in a day.... I dunno, I'm hurt. That's all for now.